Accounting Humor

There was a man who computed his taxes for 1997 and found that he owed $3407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter:

"Dear IRS,

Enclosed is my 1997 tax return and payment. Please take note of the attached article from USA Today newspaper. In this article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat. Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400.00) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00 Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund", as noted on my return. Might I suggest you send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw". (Se attached article - HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.


John Doe"

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, used your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

Either of which is probably tax deductible.

For every tax problem there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated, and wrong.

A philosopher had a curious thought then decided to inquire with knowledge sources to obtain the answer. He decided to ask a religious priest, a college professor, a high court judge and, an esteemed accountant.

When he asked the priest, "What is one plus one?"
Looking down and then back to eye level as if he was ready to provide a sermon, the priest replied. "I belie-e-e-eve," one plus one is two."

When he asked the professor, "What is one plus one?"
Smacking his open hand with a ruler to the beat, the professor replied. "I have always taught," one plus one is two."

When he asked the judge, "What is one plus one?"
Changing his volume for emphasis, the judge replied. "By PRESSIDENCE," one plus one is two."

When he asked the accountant, "What is one plus one?"
The accountant rearranged the visor of his hat, turned his head both ways scanning to see who is within listing distance, leaned in close to whisper, "What do you want it to be?"

Q: How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
A: Tie him up to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the accountant, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

An auditor is hard at work auditing a manufacturing plant. He spots one worker at the end of his shift. That worker is always carrying a wheelbarrow covered with an opaque cloth. The auditor is certain something is fishy. He asks the security to check the wheelbarrow. Many surprise checks later, security finds nothing. In the last day of the audit the auditor goes to the worker and asks, "Alright, I give up. I know you are taking something. I can not prove it. I do not want to pursue it. I just want to know. What are you stealing?" The worker replies, "wheelbarrows".